So I'll remember later

(And also because the two of you who actually read this might be interested in the most eventful things of the past month+. Thanks friend(s)!) My apartment is so cold. I'm pretty sure when winter is over, I'll forget just how cold it was. So I'm writing this to remind myself. It's cold. The heating in my apartment is not awesome, so I bought a tiny little space heater, which heats up the immediate space beside me. I haven't gotten my electricity bill for the month yet, so I've tried really hard to use it sparingly, and in the meantime make use of every blanket that I own. I've been spending a lot of time on my bed...I've also almost seriously considered just sleeping at my office, because I have keys, and who would notice? And there's heat...

At least it snowed today! It's beautiful when it snows. (At least for day 1.)

Other random thoughts that I'd like to remember...
Matthew. I would really like to see him again. He's a homeless man I met outside the Wawa next to my house. In those 2 minutes, I had one of the most sinspiring moments, to meet someone so genuine, to reinspire hope in me, particularly the hope I have in the human race (per recent events like Anonymous, Occupy, etc.).

Also, a reminder of how academia has the potential for borifying things that are better in their originally clever form (so that I can not fall into this unattractive, but somehow common trap). Example: "This is much like a parent persuading a child to swallow a bitter pill by administering it with a sweetener to make it go down more easily." Hello. Pretty sure over a decade ago someone came up with a better way to say this. "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." Maybe that was even your inspiration. Why did you have to ruin it? You could've had a closing statement that left me singing...

How nice it feels to know that I'm doing a great job. With all the feedback from my professors, they have such confidence in me that I'm more than capable of excelling in this arena. Now I just need to find my own motivation...

And then maybe the FHE lesson over Christmas break from my dad, where it took him 30+ minutes to finally get to the point, which was to stutter out, in a broken way, that he loves me. :) (And remind me that sometimes he forgets that I'm not a boy, and that it is actually not so irrational for me to be sensitive.) Progress! Love my family :D

Thanksgiving

I drove to Atlanta for Thanksgiving this year to be with my sister and her husband. It was a good 13.5 hour drive (12.5 on the way back). I only snapped a photo of one state sign...

but I definitely drove through seven states in one day. This was probably the most exciting state sign, anyway. Georgia's was just this little sign, the standard green of most road signs, that said "Georgia State Line."

So that was Wednesday. On Thanksgiving, Leesia and I pretty much just did work all day, and Corey cooked dinner and watched football :) Oh, but Wednesday night we went to this burger boutique and had sweet potato tots with chocolate drizzled on them! And the sauce was basically frosting. I LOVE sweet potatoes. So delicious. (The picture doesn't make them look particularly appetizing...also, I'm not sure what happened to the picture I took.) Also, they wanted me to try the Krispy Kreme milkshake. Gross. But apparently I'm the only person they've ever met who hasn't liked it. Seriously though--a drinkable doughnut? Am I crazy for thinking that's just not appetizing?

Friday was shopping. I'm really bad at keeping a budget, but if I did, I definitely went over it...again. At the Banana outlet, as usual. No new shoes though :\

Then Saturday, we went skeet shooting! It was great fun--probably mostly because I could actually hit the clay pigeons :) (Why are they called pigeons?) Here are a few pictures...and I even took the time to upload a video.

This is my favorite video because while the guy is saying, "This takes years and years of practice," my sister is saying, "She's crazy!" indicating that for me, it apparently does NOT take years and years of practice. (I have to say this also because you can't really see the pigeon bursting.) First time shooter. That's right--it's in our blood. hehe :)

I forget how nice it is to be with family. My family. I don't really know how to describe it, but there is such a relief and comfort there. Compliments and support from them are of the kind that really stick, that make me feel solid and confident and strong. And safe. It's really subtle, but definitely real. Move out here, Rach! ;) 

Anyone?

A friend shared this with me today. I have been feeling this since...before I can remember. Even though I've done pretty well on paper, been actively recruited into pretty prestigious PhD programs, been granted awards and honors of various forms, I still wonder. I am so very aware of my imperfections--when they (who, you ask? I don't know...everyone?) find out, will they acknowledge that grades and test scores were just lucky, take back the honors?

But after so many, many years of this, I'm beginning to realize that maybe it hasn't been luck. Maybe I do have a few things going for me, some genuine talents. And then the questions and difficulties change. If I am great, what a responsibility...I've always waffled about that often-quoted "deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, [but] ... that we are powerful beyond measure."


- - - - - - - (time lapse) - - - - - - -

"Today" is now last week, and I find myself still in flux: to validate my insecurities, I received THE lowest test score that I have ever gotten last week. And I thought I was getting it... So when I think I get it, I don't. But for every other dimension that I seem to worry about, everyone tells me that I'm doing great. I don't get it. (Which might mean that I'm doing okay?)

I just read the second paragraph and I want to delete it, but I'll leave it, because apparently that's how I was feeling last week. I'm not feeling particularly powerful beyond measure anymore, but that's not to say that I don't feel great. Because I do. But in a really subtle way. Balanced, I guess. Just enough meaning in various dimensions to keep me energized, to think and to love better, but also to enjoy myself. (Which means new shoes and a new outfit from Banana :D.) And other fun things too, like Cirque de Soleil! And leading a choir...

And next week is Thanksgiving! And I get to drive down to Atlanta to hang out with my sister for 3 days, which apparently will mean a lot of cupcakes, shooting, and...well, I'll tell you about it when it happens. :)

Like clockwork

One month.

How do I prevent myself from wondering what's wrong with me? Or from wanting to just give up?

Where do I put all this love that I've stored up?

(Sorry for the melodramatic tone. But sometimes...)

4 years and 2 months ago...

It's my little brother's turn! He called and we actually spoke for a good five minutes. And he constructed full sentences, and even asked me questions. After a couple of minutes of shock and wonderment, I finally realized he was probably calling because he was leaving. And he'll be gone for two years...

I think I'll be doing a lot of reminiscing...

being

You'd think after how many years, I would've had this down. And I think most people have always assumed that I do. But I think I'm just barely starting to get it--to learn how to fail, to learn how to succeed, to learn how to learn...really just to learn how to be. Not to be someone or something in particular, not to be looking only towards how I should be. There's always been this weight of expectation from...somewhere, this ever-present feeling of defeat and of falling short. Fear.

But I'm starting to break free! I can turn something in not because it's complete, but because that's what I have right now. Because that's as far as I've thought through it. And that's enough for the time being. What if I am doing better than I think I am? And then I realize that maybe, I don't really need to constantly assess how well I'm doing, which is only based on some arbitrary scale anyway. I am who I am, and I like it! And...it's fun being embraced as a girl :) (and maybe by a certain individual in particular...;) ) Albeit a very...unique one at times, as my embracing of my emotions still comes in a very logical form. I don't really expect anyone else to enjoy that paper, but I loved it. What a beautiful explication of emotions--emotions are rational!

watch as the storm blows through

So the sun is finally shining :)

I didn't realize how much I need feedback, how I consistently underestimate my own abilities. But it's so refreshing to find out you're doing so much better than you thought you were! Especially hearing it from someone you know is being brutally honest with you. Now if only I could maintain that kind of confidence...and at the same time, not get too comfortable. The only thing about getting into a routine, though, is that now I have nothing to blog about. I do the same thing pretty much everyday--take the subway to class. Work (=study). Class. Work. Reach my maximum capacity. Take the subway home. Make dinner? Sleep.

Oh, but I guess for all of my Grad Studies friends (so happy to have heard from James/Kevin this week!) who read this, I also go on dates :). And maybe you'll be happy to find out that in the past 1.5 months, I've been asked out by more than the total number of guys I've ever dated. I'll keep you posted ;)