Honest, Simple, Solid, True

Trying... (C. Terry Warner)

Paris holds the key to your heart

However ridiculous, that line from the song in Anastasia was running through my head while I walked through the city. I know I probably shouldn't have been roaming the streets of Paris alone for 3 hours in the middle of the night, asking strangers for directions...but I couldn't help myself! It was b. e. a. U. tiful. Must MUST go back.

Also, the Eiffel Tower sparkles! (I learned later that this happens on the hour)

And of course, here's a kitchen that I found while window shopping that I thought was pretty cool :)

Random, I know. And sorry again, that these are not awesome pictures. But you just have to go there to see it for yourself!

Spring Break

For the first time in...8 years, I had a spring break! So even though I should've stayed here and completed my 2 statistics midterms and a rough draft proposal, I decided to go to Israel. Sadly, pictures don't even come close to capturing the experience, driving and walking and touring over a thousand miles around Israel and Palestine. Trying to encapsulate the grandeur of the freshness and beauty of the Sea of Galilee from atop Mount Arbel, for example, just ends up looking like fog...

And how do you capture the feeling of walking along the Via Dolorosa? Or sitting by the Garden Tomb?

Or feeling the Dead Sea by your side?

Or walking along the Mediterranean Sea?

Or touching the waters at the Sea of Galilee?

Or walking through Hezekiah's tunnel and feeling the workmanship of 701 BC?

Or touching the Western Wall? Or hearing the story of Elijah condemn the gods of Baal from Mt. Carmel?

And stories of healing while sitting in Capernaum?

Or holding the Dome of the Rock in your hands? :)

I can't really. To be honest, it definitely wasn't what I was expecting. (Don't ask me to explain what I was expecting--I probably couldn't do that either.) I never had some overwhelming "this is the place" feeling rush over me, no unforgettable witness from the Spirit that Jesus was here. But there were quiet ones, just intermittent, in random churches, at seemingly random moments, that resonated with a part of me that I think I don't know very well yet. I'm not trying to sound too cryptic or deep or weird--it's just that, I think I expected, in a place like this, to receive some great spiritual manifestations, to gain some kind of witness beyond that which I already have. But I'm realizing more and more that God just doesn't work with me like that. My mind is always miles ahead of where my heart has the capacity to reach (not that I'm even remotely good at retaining facts...I had to keep asking Breanne where we were, and what happened here or there...), but I think sometimes He gives me moments where it's the other way around, so that I can feel more than I understand...and unfortunately for you, that lack of understanding also leads to this really strange paragraph that also fails to capture my experience...

which makes me feel like this palm tree. I mean this partially in jest, but mostly seriously--which is why I had to stop and take a picture of this tree on our way back from Capernaum. 

So, enough of my incoherent bumblings. One day, I'll figure out what I mean, and then I'll be able to write about it so that you can actually make sense of it.

I also loved this contrast...church at the Jerusalem Center and church with the Bethlehem group. Coarse as I am, I need a lot of things stripped away before I can really feel the Spirit and remember the importance of the heart of the gospel, as I did in this tiny group of maybe 8-9 members.

Probably the thing I learned most was about Palestine and Israel. How things aren't so cut and dry, how people are still people and we fight because we're scared. I also learned that friends are great, especially because they put up with you even when you stress them out :) Thanks Breanne!!!

So I'll remember later

(And also because the two of you who actually read this might be interested in the most eventful things of the past month+. Thanks friend(s)!) My apartment is so cold. I'm pretty sure when winter is over, I'll forget just how cold it was. So I'm writing this to remind myself. It's cold. The heating in my apartment is not awesome, so I bought a tiny little space heater, which heats up the immediate space beside me. I haven't gotten my electricity bill for the month yet, so I've tried really hard to use it sparingly, and in the meantime make use of every blanket that I own. I've been spending a lot of time on my bed...I've also almost seriously considered just sleeping at my office, because I have keys, and who would notice? And there's heat...

At least it snowed today! It's beautiful when it snows. (At least for day 1.)

Other random thoughts that I'd like to remember...
Matthew. I would really like to see him again. He's a homeless man I met outside the Wawa next to my house. In those 2 minutes, I had one of the most sinspiring moments, to meet someone so genuine, to reinspire hope in me, particularly the hope I have in the human race (per recent events like Anonymous, Occupy, etc.).

Also, a reminder of how academia has the potential for borifying things that are better in their originally clever form (so that I can not fall into this unattractive, but somehow common trap). Example: "This is much like a parent persuading a child to swallow a bitter pill by administering it with a sweetener to make it go down more easily." Hello. Pretty sure over a decade ago someone came up with a better way to say this. "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down." Maybe that was even your inspiration. Why did you have to ruin it? You could've had a closing statement that left me singing...

How nice it feels to know that I'm doing a great job. With all the feedback from my professors, they have such confidence in me that I'm more than capable of excelling in this arena. Now I just need to find my own motivation...

And then maybe the FHE lesson over Christmas break from my dad, where it took him 30+ minutes to finally get to the point, which was to stutter out, in a broken way, that he loves me. :) (And remind me that sometimes he forgets that I'm not a boy, and that it is actually not so irrational for me to be sensitive.) Progress! Love my family :D

Thanksgiving

I drove to Atlanta for Thanksgiving this year to be with my sister and her husband. It was a good 13.5 hour drive (12.5 on the way back). I only snapped a photo of one state sign...

but I definitely drove through seven states in one day. This was probably the most exciting state sign, anyway. Georgia's was just this little sign, the standard green of most road signs, that said "Georgia State Line."

So that was Wednesday. On Thanksgiving, Leesia and I pretty much just did work all day, and Corey cooked dinner and watched football :) Oh, but Wednesday night we went to this burger boutique and had sweet potato tots with chocolate drizzled on them! And the sauce was basically frosting. I LOVE sweet potatoes. So delicious. (The picture doesn't make them look particularly appetizing...also, I'm not sure what happened to the picture I took.) Also, they wanted me to try the Krispy Kreme milkshake. Gross. But apparently I'm the only person they've ever met who hasn't liked it. Seriously though--a drinkable doughnut? Am I crazy for thinking that's just not appetizing?

Friday was shopping. I'm really bad at keeping a budget, but if I did, I definitely went over it...again. At the Banana outlet, as usual. No new shoes though :\

Then Saturday, we went skeet shooting! It was great fun--probably mostly because I could actually hit the clay pigeons :) (Why are they called pigeons?) Here are a few pictures...and I even took the time to upload a video.

This is my favorite video because while the guy is saying, "This takes years and years of practice," my sister is saying, "She's crazy!" indicating that for me, it apparently does NOT take years and years of practice. (I have to say this also because you can't really see the pigeon bursting.) First time shooter. That's right--it's in our blood. hehe :)

I forget how nice it is to be with family. My family. I don't really know how to describe it, but there is such a relief and comfort there. Compliments and support from them are of the kind that really stick, that make me feel solid and confident and strong. And safe. It's really subtle, but definitely real. Move out here, Rach! ;) 

Anyone?

A friend shared this with me today. I have been feeling this since...before I can remember. Even though I've done pretty well on paper, been actively recruited into pretty prestigious PhD programs, been granted awards and honors of various forms, I still wonder. I am so very aware of my imperfections--when they (who, you ask? I don't know...everyone?) find out, will they acknowledge that grades and test scores were just lucky, take back the honors?

But after so many, many years of this, I'm beginning to realize that maybe it hasn't been luck. Maybe I do have a few things going for me, some genuine talents. And then the questions and difficulties change. If I am great, what a responsibility...I've always waffled about that often-quoted "deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, [but] ... that we are powerful beyond measure."


- - - - - - - (time lapse) - - - - - - -

"Today" is now last week, and I find myself still in flux: to validate my insecurities, I received THE lowest test score that I have ever gotten last week. And I thought I was getting it... So when I think I get it, I don't. But for every other dimension that I seem to worry about, everyone tells me that I'm doing great. I don't get it. (Which might mean that I'm doing okay?)

I just read the second paragraph and I want to delete it, but I'll leave it, because apparently that's how I was feeling last week. I'm not feeling particularly powerful beyond measure anymore, but that's not to say that I don't feel great. Because I do. But in a really subtle way. Balanced, I guess. Just enough meaning in various dimensions to keep me energized, to think and to love better, but also to enjoy myself. (Which means new shoes and a new outfit from Banana :D.) And other fun things too, like Cirque de Soleil! And leading a choir...

And next week is Thanksgiving! And I get to drive down to Atlanta to hang out with my sister for 3 days, which apparently will mean a lot of cupcakes, shooting, and...well, I'll tell you about it when it happens. :)

Like clockwork

One month.

How do I prevent myself from wondering what's wrong with me? Or from wanting to just give up?

Where do I put all this love that I've stored up?

(Sorry for the melodramatic tone. But sometimes...)