On love.

There are a few things in my life that have turned out better than I expected. And, I guess if you look at it from the right angle, it's really just one thing. Love. With everything (else), I am constantly in the process of developing expectations. Grad school sure didn't meet expectations. Clothes and fashions fade. People change and sometimes disappointingly don't follow through. The food never comes out tasting quite as amazing as it smells. I mean, I still enjoy wearing clothes. And shoes too. And it's not like grad school is awful. And I still do love to eat. But I guess, in economic language, the costs and benefits seem to equate to an equilibrium in which benefits and costs seem to balance each other out, where every now and again the benefits are marginally higher than the costs, or vice versa.

But love, even with its burden and its intense vulnerability, never just balances. It's not coincidence that love is the undertone of almost every song, or that every good story captures some dimension of love. (I also think it's sad that it is so often dismissed as frivolous or unreachable, particularly as a solution to many of the world's problems. I get that love is non-rational, but I don't think that means incomprehensible. I think the real reason for its dismissal is because it's hard.) It is so brilliant how even years and years of loneliness and pain can be swallowed up in love. In fact, I think it is the only non-counterfeit thing that can actually displace those other feelings, the only thing, at least in my experience, that is more real than pain. Because it doesn't just cover up or distract from pain. I feel like love actually transforms the loneliness (or what have you--mine is loneliness) by imbuing it with meaning, so it doesn't even feel like a burden at all.

I have spent a majority of my life looking for it--and if you can't tell from the way I talk about it, my expectations of it are high. But I knew it when I found it, because it exceeded even my highest expectations. And was bewildering though too, because while I was looking for it in the grand cosmos of everything, it turned out to be so ordinary. No newly discovered logic, no grandiose presentation.

And every time I think I understand it, God shows me how much more there is to learn about love. And now it's happening again. Forever :)

On how my brain is on fire

Not in an elegant, poetic way, but more like...I'm exhausted trying to run around inside my head exasperatedly extinguishing fires just as more ignite. Reflected in that analogy is one of my greatest struggles--I am myself, but I also see myself extinguishing fires. I am also the one setting the fires.

And it turns out, I'm not really a very good firefighter. In times of crisis, I panic and end up paralyzed. I have a daunting paper to develop, and here I am writing in my blog instead, knowing full well that I am deliberately letting myself ignore that fire that is ablaze. Theoretically, I have trust and confidence. But why, so often in these moments, am I so afraid that I can't put it out? I worry so much about all fires, that I can't take care of them just as they come. I think I live under the false pretense that if I really think hard enough, I'll be able to put them all out once and for all. I know this is silly, and yet I'm pretty sure that's the paradigm I'm operating under.

Why is it so hard to let myself make mistakes? To just be where I am, instead of placing some unknown, abstract set of expectations on myself?

And then, on the other hand, why are there some things that maybe "shouldn't" be--by the more recognized moral structure--okay? Maybe even right?

Concretes perhaps? :) The dearth of writing here is just one evidence for how draining this semester has been. It's not that the workload is too difficult, per se, but that I question myself too often, which plants so much doubt. I question the meaning of this work--I want to help people. I want to know that what I do matters. So much of my mission, I think, was to teach me that I have to trust that what I do, the Lord can make holy. I oftentimes didn't get to see the fruits of my labor. Which always made me question whether what I did mattered. By the end, I think I began to trust. But does that same thing apply with my profession of choice? I think I want so badly for there to be a right answer for me, because that does happen for some. But for me--it just is. There are lessons to be learned regardless of my circumstance. I suppose these same internal struggles would present themselves if I were to change careers, or even were I to have the responsibility that I (think I) ultimately want. I love thinking--but is making a career of it the best idea? Also--here's a secret that I am afraid to reveal: I don't think like a business person. How am I supposed to eventually teach business students?! Why am I doing this?

The inner struggle

I have always loved this story (and various versions of it that I've heard/read). Also, it's on my sister's fridge.

(most sources give it the title "Two Wolves.")


An old Indian Grandfather said to his grandson who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice.

"Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feeling many times."

He continued.

"There is a battle that goes on inside us all. It is as if there are two wolves battling inside each of us.

"One is Good.

"He is joy, peace, perseverance, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, and faith.

"He does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. He saves all his energy for the right fight.

"The other wolf is Evil.

"He is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, and ego.

"The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.

"Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside of us, for both will try and dominate our spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked,

"Which wolf wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said,

"The one you feed."

(I'm tired.)

Moving in: Part I

Here are some before pictures...

The entrance way:

The living room:

 French doors into the kitchen! :)

The kitchen:

 Door to the bedroom:

Of course nothing else is set up besides my shoes and clothes... :)

Bedroom:

Bathroom:

Please take notice of all the natural light! And the fact that this apartment is more than three times the size of my last one. It's certainly not as convenient in terms of getting to school, but it's not like I have a bike anymore anyway! And it'll cost me a pretty penny or two more, for rent, more bills, and transportation, but as I'm settling in, I think it's worth it. And I can truly appreciate it now, too, (yes, mother) because I lived in a space smaller than my current living room for a year.

My ought-is problem

Just thinking...

While Hume articulates the is-ought problem, I think mine might actually be the opposite. The ought, I think, might be more real to me than the is. As much as I focus on and talk about process--how becoming is the point and part of life to be enjoyed and experienced, more than the final product--I am realizing just how much I stumble on and fight with what is because I cannot understand why things aren't as they ought to be, not realizing that what is has the potential to lead to what ought to be.

Still thinking this one through...

an update

Since I started writing at 750words.com, I kind of just stopped writing here. And actually, for the past month, I think I've just kind of stopped writing. I think this dearth might also be reflective of the fact that I have now transitioned into my life, where my normal state is much more introspective, and I was never really in the habit of exposing the inner musings of my soul via writing. I figure most people like stories and events, but I don't really have as many of those now that I'm back in my own skin. I mean, to me, this is what life is really about, but I guess that's kind of hard to write about for others, because I think it might be hard to follow along. Although I will be moving soon, which means new color schemes and more space!! So I'll be sure to update with that.

Otherwise, read on if you feel like discovering what I've been beginning to understand about myself. Probably the most revelatory experience lately has been reifying my conceptions of abstract vs. concrete by comparing it to others'. (First of all, can I just tell you how excited I am about the word reify? I think I have been looking for a word like that for so long. And I'm so happy it exists!) I completely (well, conceptually at least) understand why concrete generally refers to things that are physically tangible and describable. Why stories and actual events are the concrete things of life. But not for me. I have a really hard time trying to tell a story because I don't remember events as well as I remember ideas. I mean, sure, I can recount stories, but what catches most of my attention is the internal experience of it. To me, concrete is influence, change, affect, ideas, learning, growth. Those are the things that seem more tangible to me. Granted, they are not literally so, but those are the things that to me are constants that are, with the right eye, quite visible. Sure, sometimes I can be wrong. Sometimes I'm biased and I'll place emotions that might not be there. But the constant quest is to see more clearly and correctly. It doesn't seem so abstract to me to try to uncover the beginnings of an idea, to define knowledge and to understand how it is transferred and transformed, how an idea actually becomes knowledge. But a mechanism that turns to generate electricity? Totally abstract. Even though I can touch it and watch it move.

Being exposed to a group of local, urban high school students reminds me, too, that the thinking I take for granted is actually an invaluable resource. The way I view the world has brought me to the place where I am. I have influence. I can affect the direction of thought. It's kind of scary, but that potential also motivates me to  make sure that I try to remain unbiased and open to new ideas, so thoughts can be guided by true principles, and not just by the way I'd like others to see the world.

The dual nature of man. That's another thing that keeps me up at night. I made a 2x2 in my head after Sunday School on Sunday and feel the need to share it. You might ask why it would even matter to do something like this, but...it just helps me understand more clearly. Along one dimension is the natural man versus the enlightened one. The other dimension contains heart and mind. There is a logic and a feeling of the natural man, and one of the enlightened or spiritual one. There are universal, neutral principles that can then be better understood in this light. For example, belief. The natural way is to prove through experiment and deduce through experience, whereas the way the gospel outlines requires faith, which is to first believe and then know. Maybe more on this later....I should probably work a little more.

just a day in the life...

(i'm post-dating this to the actual time of the blessed event.)

I found a little surprise when I got back from a LOVELY wedding in California! Well, more accurately, I smelled one...(I will say, I find it fascinating that, even without formal training or prior experience, the recognition of the smell of death is somehow innate.)

Maybe fleas are the worst, but this was definitely the grossest...

dead. mouse. under. the. fridge. 

After trying to stay away from my apartment for a day, I decided it was time to scour the place to find the source of the horrible smell. Finally, after a lot of searching and sniffing (I felt like I was playing that hot/cold game...the smell is stronger over here! that means I'm closer...), I saw what looked to be a tail leading from under the fridge.

I pulled it out, using a plastic bag and a lot of napkins. (After prepping myself for a few minutes to be ready for what I was about to see.)

But even with all that, I could still feel that disgusting tail. It was wedged, so i had to squeeze and pull that rough tail. Worst thought at this moment was, "What if I rip the tail off the body?"

What I was not prepared for...

THERE WERE (BOT FLY?) LARVAE CRAWLING ALL OVER ITS BODY.

what's it like? Like this... (just not orange) TIMES FIFTEEN. (I didn't take this video. Just found it, so you would begin to understand. I won't even begin to describe the SMELL.)

Why?! Why. ;( :$