Not in an elegant, poetic way, but more like...I'm exhausted trying to run around inside my head exasperatedly extinguishing fires just as more ignite. Reflected in that analogy is one of my greatest struggles--I am myself, but I also see myself extinguishing fires. I am also the one setting the fires.
And it turns out, I'm not really a very good firefighter. In times of crisis, I panic and end up paralyzed. I have a daunting paper to develop, and here I am writing in my blog instead, knowing full well that I am deliberately letting myself ignore that fire that is ablaze. Theoretically, I have trust and confidence. But why, so often in these moments, am I so afraid that I can't put it out? I worry so much about all fires, that I can't take care of them just as they come. I think I live under the false pretense that if I really think hard enough, I'll be able to put them all out once and for all. I know this is silly, and yet I'm pretty sure that's the paradigm I'm operating under.
Why is it so hard to let myself make mistakes? To just be where I am, instead of placing some unknown, abstract set of expectations on myself?
And then, on the other hand, why are there some things that maybe "shouldn't" be--by the more recognized moral structure--okay? Maybe even right?
Concretes perhaps? :) The dearth of writing here is just one evidence for how draining this semester has been. It's not that the workload is too difficult, per se, but that I question myself too often, which plants so much doubt. I question the meaning of this work--I want to help people. I want to know that what I do matters. So much of my mission, I think, was to teach me that I have to trust that what I do, the Lord can make holy. I oftentimes didn't get to see the fruits of my labor. Which always made me question whether what I did mattered. By the end, I think I began to trust. But does that same thing apply with my profession of choice? I think I want so badly for there to be a right answer for me, because that does happen for some. But for me--it just is. There are lessons to be learned regardless of my circumstance. I suppose these same internal struggles would present themselves if I were to change careers, or even were I to have the responsibility that I (think I) ultimately want. I love thinking--but is making a career of it the best idea? Also--here's a secret that I am afraid to reveal: I don't think like a business person. How am I supposed to eventually teach business students?! Why am I doing this?
You can do it. I believe in you! And when times get too bad...just find some chocolate milk. :)
ReplyDeletec'mon, noelle! letting doubt, analysis paralysis, and the such dictate your life? i hope this is just a temporary stumbling block (perhaps a seasonal affect?). i don't mean to be curt, as i can go on and on about what i think are certain predictors for this type of feeling (since i know them quite well ;-)), but i just don't think that this is like you. this is your life! you *are* in control, and i've never known you to concede that control nor let negative thoughts cloud your progress into the future. if you legitimately feel like you need an external catalyst to right some things, then know you have plenty of people around you who are willing to listen and who are rooting for you.
ReplyDeletethis is tangentially--if not distantly--related, but for some reason i thought you might like this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/body/bonnie-bassler.html. it's a 10 minute profile on a scientist who struggled at one point with the politics of academia and recognized the motivation of pursuits that go beyond that of "christmas card" accomplishments.