A friend shared this with me today. I have been feeling this since...before I can remember. Even though I've done pretty well on paper, been actively recruited into pretty prestigious PhD programs, been granted awards and honors of various forms, I still wonder. I am so very aware of my imperfections--when they (who, you ask? I don't know...everyone?) find out, will they acknowledge that grades and test scores were just lucky, take back the honors?
But after so many, many years of this, I'm beginning to realize that maybe it hasn't been luck. Maybe I do have a few things going for me, some genuine talents. And then the questions and difficulties change. If I am great, what a responsibility...I've always waffled about that often-quoted "deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, [but] ... that we are powerful beyond measure."
- - - - - - - (time lapse) - - - - - - -
"Today" is now last week, and I find myself still in flux: to validate my insecurities, I received THE lowest test score that I have ever gotten last week. And I thought I was getting it... So when I think I get it, I don't. But for every other dimension that I seem to worry about, everyone tells me that I'm doing great. I don't get it. (Which might mean that I'm doing okay?)
I just read the second paragraph and I want to delete it, but I'll leave it, because apparently that's how I was feeling last week. I'm not feeling particularly powerful beyond measure anymore, but that's not to say that I don't feel great. Because I do. But in a really subtle way. Balanced, I guess. Just enough meaning in various dimensions to keep me energized, to think and to love better, but also to enjoy myself. (Which means new shoes and a new outfit from Banana :D.) And other fun things too, like Cirque de Soleil! And leading a choir...
And next week is Thanksgiving! And I get to drive down to Atlanta to hang out with my sister for 3 days, which apparently will mean a lot of cupcakes, shooting, and...well, I'll tell you about it when it happens. :)
Wait, you're leading a choir?
ReplyDeleteAnd there's nothing like shooting to make you feel powerful and awesome...
Did I ever tell you about the math test I took where the teacher wrote on it--you did better than I expected--and it was a C? Haha...
ReplyDeleteWait, yeah! You're a choir director? We're both leading a choir in some way! Except that mine is made up of three year olds or younger who shouldn't really be in primary yet...
Maybe this is off topic, but this reminds me a little of the prophets who always said they were weak speakers or writers and that later, the Lord made them strong. I'm sure they didn't feel strong in it even when they were, and I'm sure they had lapses; maybe this is like that, just a little bit?
Haha...try 54. If I could have written that in caps, I would have. But they're numbers.
ReplyDeleteYup. Choir director. It kind of just fell upon me--you know how the music person looks at you and says, "Wouldn't it be nice if we had a choir?" and then just stares at you. And then I say "Yes..." and suddenly, the choir is mine. I have no idea what I'm doing. But the branch is great, so I'm sure things will be fine. They basically lead themselves, and I just pick my favorite songs :)