if it's one thing, it's also another

Today's cherry: my bike got stolen. I just spent yesterday morning taking it in to get the flat fixed. I was getting super excited to commute via bike to school, to enjoy Kelly Drive and the beautiful bike areas elsewhere...and then...I never even got a chance to ride it. Seriously? It's such a little thing. But it feels like a really, really big thing. This is for you Breanne: haha. (That's me trying to laugh ;).)

becoming in-doctorate-ed

I guess I was wondering when it was all going to hit me. Well, I got my answer. Today. I thought I was doing pretty well juggling things while still being genuinely happy. But today, everything got to me.

The fleas. Would it be so difficult to just call me back and let me know what's going on? It's been over a week. I'm commuting everyday, have to bolt in and jump on a chair when I get inside--on the rare occasion that I do, in fact, need to enter my own apartment, because all my possessions happen to be inside, and I can't exactly carry my life around with me, hence the need for a living space...--for paranoia that I'm being eaten and will have to suffer from bites that last way longer than a few days, am saddened by the food that's going to waste in my fridge because I can't stay in the apartment long enough to eat any of it, have 3 clean outfits to last me this week+, and will, in the aftermath, continue to be paranoid about a stray flea laying eggs and beginning this traumatic experience anew. I wonder if it makes matters worse that I talk about it and tell people, because people's responses generally just remind me how disgusting and terrible it is. And how I shouldn't have to deal with this. Maybe. Or maybe my threshold is just a week, and I'm breaking down.

And that's just the icing on the cake. The whole hemophelial nature of adulthood is getting to me. Getting my car titled and registered here: $139. Emissions: $50. Alignment, battery, etc.: $200. Registering for residential parking: $35. Auto insurance: $96/month. (Thanks MasterCard. Where's the part that's priceless?) And that's just expenditures from the past 2 days. Not including just living. Like gas and food. And since I don't get a paycheck until the end of this month, it's especially evident since the money flow has been all one way for the past 2+ months. Well, at least it's almost the end of the month.

But even though this paycheck will be a nice clot, the work that goes into it sure is a beast. I'm sure every doctoral student goes through this, but I just wonder if I'm really cut out for this. If I can really discipline my thoughts enough. Not only in terms of rigor for the academic setting, but also in not letting my emotions run wild--particularly the ones that result in/perpetuate my habit of always making assessments of others' opinions of me, trying to calibrate how well I'm doing, or not doing...comparing myself, always, always wondering if I measure up.

Musing: I'm feeling okay about everything...it's just when I tell someone else, I start to realize other things, like how lonely it can get. Like how sometimes I'd just like someone else to trust, to tell me that everything is going to be, and is, okay. Is it better just not to say it all out loud?

Well, before I get too sentimental, my temporary solution was to just get a haircut. It smells really good. (Yes, another expenditure...but it feels like just a drop in the bucket. I'll have to watch it.)

(So today I gave money to a homeless man. And he said, "That's it?" I'm not sure how I feel...it breaks my heart that people end up like this, in more than one way...)

net gain

a few steps back,

-having a car. Before I can park close to my apartment, I need to apply for a residential permit. Before I can apply for a residential permit, I need to have PA license plates. Before I can get license plates, I need to register my car and transfer the title here. Before I can do that, I need to get insured here. Before I do any of that, I need to have a PA license. Before I can get a PA license, I have to have proof of residency. To get proof of residency, I have my lease, but need to wait for some kind of official mail as second proof. In the intervening who knows how long, where do I put my car?

-accidentally going to New Jersey. It doesn't cost to get in, but every way out has a toll.

-tolls in general. Don't accidentally go through an EZPass only entrance.

-cash. Not just for all these tolls I end up paying, but for everything less than $10, because otherwise I can't use my credit/debit card, unless I want to buy excess food that I don't want/need just to be able to use my card. And for subway rides--because they take exact change only (inconsistently though--be aware that some stations have change machines, others don't). I guess it gives me a reason to carry around all those extra nickels and dimes.

-minutes to drive will always exceed number of miles. By a factor of at least two.

-gnats bite. A lot. And their bites last a lot longer than regular insect bites. This is somewhat reminiscent of that first day in Taiwan...those mosquitoes were almost enough to make me give up right then. I can't sleep at night because I'm paranoid they're feasting on my ankles...


but more than two steps forward.

-people are friendly. Maybe it's because when they see me they see this naive, innocent little girl, but so be it. It's left a great impression on me :) I had a little run in in a parking lot where the guy started yelling at me, but once I started talking to him, he was very supportive and helpful even, defending me (now "baby girl") against other angry drivers and then guiding me out of the parking lot. Another guy looked at me awkwardly as I attempted to parallel park on a busy street but wasn't being assertive enough to just block traffic for a minute to reverse. After asking me what I was trying to do, this guy stood on the curb and walked me through it. I'm sure he had places to be, but I was grateful for the friendly, helpful gesture.

-people are genuine. And patient. Even though I ended up having to wait for 3 hours at the UPS store to pick up a package (that beautiful orange chair, if you're wondering), I was so amazed at how calm all the workers were, even though they were open 1.5 hours after their hours to finish handing out packages. Granted, they have the most inefficient system (I wouldn't even really call it a system), so it's kind of their own fault, but still--not a single angry word from any one of the employees. In fact, they were still pleasant by the end of the night.

-there seems to be so much more to talk about! I don't think I've talked about dating once. I hate even mentioning that here, but it's just the residue of Provo's tight grasp. It just seems so much easier for me to make friends here.

-diversity along those same lines. We can talk about ideas! And people have differing ones. We discuss for the sake of learning and discovering and people don't get freaked out/over-impressed by my (sometimes, admittedly extreme) excitement for learning.

-eclectic Philadelphia. At first I was really turned off by it, how the city doesn't match at all. But it's starting to grow on me, how they've kept some of their historic places right in the middle of developing areas...next to the ghetto...next to modern art...

-Kelly Drive two blocks from my house. As soon as I tune my bike, I'll have a place close by to just breathe.

-my PhD program. I LOVE it. This is what I have always dreamed that school would be :)

spoon?

This is for Breanne. Because getting creative with utensils (or, for that matter, not even using them) reminds me of you...

So it turns out that after all my careful planning and packing, I forgot to bring a set of utensils. But I did have standard cooking utensils...

a web begun

This is actually the sixth post that I've written to this blog, but the first one that I'll make visible. I don't know why I feel the need to say that, except to just let you (the ambiguous you that I've been trying to fight against writing for a long time; but honestly, you're probably someone I know, because I doubt you'd have found this page on your own.) know that there is so much going on within and without at any given moment and trying to capture any of that seems so futile because it's impossible for me to capture the wholeness of any moment. But as you know, I get (have gotten) carried away, and it turns out that just writing about the things that are happening around me is actually kind of fun.

I’m finally almost all moved in! It feels really good. And I really want to tell someone about it, so I hope you enjoy being the object of my ramblings (and if you don't, you can just close the window). Here's what I started with (please note that this is the entire room that I'm working with, the picture being taken from the front door:

Sometimes I laugh as I’m putting stuff away because I realize how ridiculous I am. I would like to say that I’m not excessively particular, but it turns out I am. I mean, I'm so tempted to buy different garbage bags so that they match the trash can and the overall black and white theme (with a deep red accent color) of the bathroom. It’s a good thing toilet paper is white.

Still, I’m trying to be practical and resourceful, so I think I’ve maintained a pretty decent budget and haven’t really gone overboard. (I’ve stayed under $700—and that includes an air conditioning window unit, a mattress, a really nice pillow, extra closet space, a desk, a bookshelf, a nice comfy chair, and some other helpful organizational bins, etc.) It’s not perfect, but it’s starting to feel homier. Here is my multi-functioning desk slash kitchen table:

which blends into the kitchen's theme of green (to match my amazing 9-speed Kitchen Aid mixer, which sadly, is not displayed quite so prominently yet)

the reading area is orange (I'm still looking for the right thing to hang on the wall...what do you think about "Christ Walking on Water" by Julius von Klever? The colors are perfect, as would be the theme, but would it clash with the cutesy pattern of the chair?)

and the bed area is navy (which really is just...my mattress covered in a navy blue sheet).

(Note how the mattress actually blocks the door, so once the bed is down, there's no getting in or out.) The necessity of the clothes rack headrest is made obvious by seeing the size of the actual closet...

I’m really looking forward to making curtains—it’s probably things like that that make it the most enjoyable (also, it'll be the thing that makes the color scheme a little more obvious). It feels good to create something…to fill that “deepest yearning of the human soul,” you know? To put a little piece (or a big piece) of your soul into something, and see it take its own form…That’s probably why this whole decorating thing is appealing—whether in putting together my own furniture, or arranging things to be creative with space, or picking colors that I think blend well, or having the room accented with things that hold little sentimental places in me…I don’t know what is so magical, healing even, about creating. But it’s true! Just like President Uchtdorf said.

I was getting kind of worried when I first brought all my stuff in—I spent all Saturday just hauling boxes and furniture, etc. up the stairs and then assembling it all, which meant extra trash and boxes piling up around me. (Side note: I’m very proud of myself for being physically up to the task at hand. Yes, I can carry a desk and a chair with one arm up two flights of stairs.) The whole floor was covered in stuff—no exaggeration. But after a whole weekend of just cleaning and organizing, (good thing I had Rapunzel and Eugene to keep me company--thanks Kelsey :D!), everything has a place, and there’s even enough room to do yoga in the middle of the floor if I wanted! I’m also trying to see how long I can go without getting internet service. I have a data plan for the necessaries, like always being available via email or to play WordFeud, but I spend all day on campus, and I think it might be a good thing for me to come home and not be able to just be distracted by the ease of TV or perusing the internet. I’ll have time to read books, write letters, sew, volunteer, oh, and ponder about that dissertation….I can’t compartmentalize worth beans, especially now that my career is essentially disciplined and critical thinking, but this will be my best attempt at separating life and work. Except that my life is work. Not in a pathetic or workaholic way…but just, well, maybe, but at least not in the-hopeless-indirect-why-me way. I’m just in transition, in location, career, and state of heart. But I feel really lucky, because God has always been so good at sending me thread.