being

You'd think after how many years, I would've had this down. And I think most people have always assumed that I do. But I think I'm just barely starting to get it--to learn how to fail, to learn how to succeed, to learn how to learn...really just to learn how to be. Not to be someone or something in particular, not to be looking only towards how I should be. There's always been this weight of expectation from...somewhere, this ever-present feeling of defeat and of falling short. Fear.

But I'm starting to break free! I can turn something in not because it's complete, but because that's what I have right now. Because that's as far as I've thought through it. And that's enough for the time being. What if I am doing better than I think I am? And then I realize that maybe, I don't really need to constantly assess how well I'm doing, which is only based on some arbitrary scale anyway. I am who I am, and I like it! And...it's fun being embraced as a girl :) (and maybe by a certain individual in particular...;) ) Albeit a very...unique one at times, as my embracing of my emotions still comes in a very logical form. I don't really expect anyone else to enjoy that paper, but I loved it. What a beautiful explication of emotions--emotions are rational!